A Vampire and A Werewolf Meet in a Bar
by D0ll
Summary: Every greiving R. Pats and K. Stew fan needs to read this. Right. Now. Edward Cullen is wallowing in self pity after his soulmate Bella Swan cheated on HIM with MIKE FREAKIN' NEWTON of all people! Who will come to his rescue?


Edward Cullen sat in an empty bar alone. He just left Bella another dozen incoherent messages in Bella's voice mail and now was nursing a beer just to see if he could enjoy the high off of liquor like every other heartbroken lover out there.

The lamb to his lion, the heart to his undead immortal soul, just cheated on him and with who?

She didn't even cheat on him with somebody good looking like the hot, tan, hunky wolf (not that he was looking or anything because that would be weird). But with Mike-nerdy-Newton!-I'm-so-much-better-than-him anyway-what-did-she-ever-see-in-him-anyway?!-Does-he-SPARKLE?!-I-don't-think-so! The embarrassment just added to his pain and misery.

"Hey batender, give me a whiskey on the rocks!" Oh no, not him! Jacob was the last person he needed to see right now!

But Jacob had to sit down on the stool next to him and almost immediantly began sniffing the air around him. Until his eyes focused on Edward's bulky rain coat, hat and sunglasses. He leaned closer to him and sniffed some more.

"Edward? Is that-"

"Yes it's me, okay?! Happy?!"

Jacob rolled his eyes, before taking a chug of his beer, "Do all vampires have menstral cycles?"

"I don't menstrate."

"Sure. You just glitter."

"Shut up, wolf."

"Looks like Ed woke up on the wrong side of the coffin."

"Don't call me Ed."

"Sure sure, Eddy" Edward growled and Jake put his hands up in mock surrender, "Look I know something is wrong. So why don't you just tell me, one mythological creature to another?"

"Why would I do that, mutt?"

"Gee, I don't know? Maybe because you're akibe at a bar, in crappy disguise, drinking alcohol at 12pm, which isn't even supposed to have the same effect on coldys, you know."

"I can keep trying."

Jacob sighed and said, "Look, we both have had girl troubles... who just happened to be the same girl. Maybe I'm better qualified to help you than your 'family' who is already all hooked up with other members of your 'family'."

"Go back to the pound, mutt."

"Fine, I can see where I'm not-"

"Bella she, she broke up with me!... Jacob are you there. Jacob, were you just dancing?"

Quickly Jacob put his arm down. "Me? No ofcourse not! So um, who did she cheat in you with. I know it wasn't me."

"Mike."

"What was that?"

Edward cleared his throat before repeating, more clearly this time, the dreadful name.

"What was that? You're mumbling I can't hear and I'm a wolf-"

"Mike Newton!" Suddenly the whole bar turned around to look at them and Edward put his head in his hands in shame, "You're laughing at me aren't you? I can hear you!"

"No I'm not." Jacob assured covering his mouth with his hand before patting him on the back, "It'll be alright Edward." He leaned over to the waitress. "Give us a double, we'll need it."

"Hey, aren't you those guys from those vampire movies? My daughter loves them!""

"Actually-" Jacob put his hand over Edward's mouth before he could say another word.

"Yes, yes we are."

* * *

_15 minutes later, several "autographs", and a couple shots "on the house" later..._

"How am I going to live without her, she was my wiwwle spider monkey, you know?"

"Dude you called her that?!"

"And that bastard Newton! Do you know how many times I had to listen to his perverted thoughts about my Bella! (sniff, sniff) I even let her use my hair jell!"

Jacob thinking, _'So, that's how it's stays up like that...'_

"... Jake?"

"Um yeah! So you want to know what I came up for the pack slogan when Bella shot me down for the last... dozen times?"

"Yes?" Edward looked up at him with eyes even redder then when he smelled a dead bear ready to be killed and eaten.

"Bros before hoes, dude!"

"Bros before hoes!" They yelled in unison.

* * *

_15 minutes after that... And even more shots later..._

Jacob was now slurring his words a bit as he did bad impression of Bella, "Yeah dude. Remember when she used to bite her lip, like, all the time? Hehe look at me, I'm Isabelle Swan, biting my adorable lip. And all the guys want me! Hehe!"

"Dude, that's amazing! You sound just like her! And remember when she'd trip and fall all the time? She thinks she's just so cool, tripping over stuff."

* * *

_15 minutes after that, and even more liquor later..._

"Hey Mike, I bet you think you're so awesome now that you got Bella, well you're not!" Edward said holding onto the bar to steady himself as Jacob stood up with him both pointing at a blond man who vaguely resembled Mike.

"Hey I already told you a dozen times my names not Mike! It's John!"

"You're going to get it Mike!"

* * *

_5 minutes after that..._

"Dude you totally knocked that guy out, like pow, pow, pow! With some crazy vampire reflexes!"

Edward smirked a bag of ice on his eye as they sat outside on the steps of a drug store that was next to the bar. "Yeah but you, YOU totally had him in an epic headlock! If you turned wolf he woulda been like- dead."

"Totally." Jacob agreed turning the ice pack over his bruised cheek.

_What really took place..._ The bartender and a few bouncers threw them out muttering about crazy celebrities and the pair were too drunk to do much of anything to "Mike."

Suddenly Jacob felt his phone vibrate in his cut off jeans, he took his phone out of his pocket and suddenly felt instantly sober as he read the name and the picture below it.

"Hey Jacob, who's that?"

"Um, no one just Seth.. We need to meet for uh... pack duties. So later."

"Okay man! Bros before hoes!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sure." Jacob said popping in a breath mint.

"You know Jacob, I think we really bonded tonight. I feel like you're my brother or something we male bonded so much tonight. You know, it would have been like this the whole time if that little bitch didn't make us fight over her all the time. Who needs her anyway? We're better off without her!"

"I got to go now Edward." Jacob said after spraying himself with some Axe and popping another mint in his mouth for good measure.

"Bros before hoes!"

"Yeah sure." Jacob said walking up the street as soon as he turned the corner he did a victory dance.

* * *

_The real message on Jacob's phone:_ Hey Jake. I'm sure you heard of the thing with Mike. I feel absolutely horrible about it. It was just a big mistake. And now Edward won't even look at me all he keeps doing is leaving me these really creepy voicemails. But I know I can trust you and rely on you. You're my best friend and you've always been there to lend me a shoulder to cry on in my time of need. Maybe we can even give our relationship a real try now? But I know you must think I'm a hoe or an awful person or something.

* * *

_Jacob's immediate reply back:_ Bells, I would never call you that. I can be there in five minutes and give you my totally warm and buff shoulder to cry on. And have beautiful interracial babies together."  
Bella's text back, "I think you might be rushing thing a bit.., When will you be here? Oh wait, I see you outside. Why does it look like you've been in a bar fight and why am I still typing this?"

* * *

**A/N:** Inspired by a funny arrival on nextmovie . com and crack/humor fics.  
K. Stew should totally go after T. Laut now, jus' sayin'  
And I wasn't really sure what the pairing should be here Edward and Jake? Or Bella and Edward? Or Bella and Jake?


End file.
